your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
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I’d use my best pan on you.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.