one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.