[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
moms in horror movies
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.