My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”