Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
When I snag the last meatball.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
and now we wait
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day