Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something