Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…