Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
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I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?