You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
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One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra