I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
You Might Also Like
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.