[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.