My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Simple enough.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Spa day..😅
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.