I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
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Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.