if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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Best spot.. 😅
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
figuring out my emotional availability:
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.