What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.