i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
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I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
In banana years, I am bread.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
damn he’s good
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.