just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
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Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake