Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
me opening up to someone
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery