fired
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Only short people can save us
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
getting old is fun
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air