Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!