You Might Also Like
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Why I divorced her.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.