Tier 3 meme
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DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Wise advice
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.