Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug