I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
i made a craigslist ad !
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia