[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.