You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m going to need a moment here.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in