A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
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Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.