Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
You Might Also Like
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
is this a warning or an offer?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad