Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens