[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Fries, not lies.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests