“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
moms in horror movies
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station