When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Straight people are cancelled
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
That’s enough internet for the day
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.