Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
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FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
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