I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My five year plan is a meteorite
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Okay me first
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.