If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Cat.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant