Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”