Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
What the hell is going on?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
j o i m p
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Beware of the dog..
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?