Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
You Might Also Like
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night