My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
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[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.