I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”