My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow