They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Sex so good you see dead people.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.