I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
You Might Also Like
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Everyone’s family
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell