Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
the last thing a carrot sees
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?