GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
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What number SPF blocks people?
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
The best shot in the history of golf
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.