*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Try and stop me.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops