How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Home #decor warning.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.