[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
True
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?