Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.