“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
You Might Also Like
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Investing in beetcoin
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.